Ethical wedding planning for the whole couple: gender and shared responsibilities

You may have noticed that we refer to the "couple" and "he and she" when discussing wedding planning. In my experience, many wedding websites assume that only women are interested in and responsible for the wedding plans, and they are phrased accordingly. It doesn't have to be this way!

As a man planning a non-traditional wedding—especially an ethical wedding!—I found this very off-putting: shouldn’t a wedding be an equal partnership, just like a marriage? Because my wife and I believe that an ethical wedding requires the cooperation and work of both parties, we want to involve both men and women in the planning process.

Accordingly, my wife and I will take turns writing these blog posts. Stay tuned for posts specifically about working together as a couple and wedding planning for grooms (and I mean much more than the symbolic and often condescending groom tasks referred to on some wedding sites!).

A Feminist Wedding?

While planning our wedding, my wife and I often discussed how to create a “feminist wedding.” That is, we wanted a wedding that embodied our belief in gender equality. Moreso than many social institutions, weddings seem to embody and promote antiquated and normative notions about men’s and women’s roles (picture the virginal, submissive, blushing bride in white who is “given away” by her father).

We found that many of these traditional and prescriptive gender norms didn’t reflect us as people and didn’t align with our personal beliefs—if you’re researching non-traditional or ethical weddings, chances are that they aren’t for you, either!

Of course, your wedding doesn’t need to fall under any one label. Isn’t that the whole idea of creating an independent, offbeat, or non-traditional wedding? Although you might not think of your own non-traditional wedding as a feminist wedding, in the end you’ll find that these specific terms aren’t important. What’s important is that your wedding reflect you and your values as a couple.

In addition to our tips and advice on planning an ethical and non-traditional wedding, we look forward to discussing the values, ideas, and philosophy that underlie our own decisions.