Choosing a Wedding Party for Your Ethical Wedding

As a couple decides upon the details of their ethical or nontraditional wedding, one of the most common questions they consider is who will be in the wedding party. Below are some ideas to consider when choosing (or not choosing) members of your wedding party.

When Ryan and I were engaged, we decided on our wedding party before thinking about anything else. We knew that we wanted our siblings in the wedding party—all of whom are men!—so we immediately had five groomsmen. We decided to ask five women to also be in the wedding party so that we would have an even number of men and women. In retrospect, we've realized that this gender balancing was totally unnecessary. Of course, we're very happy with the members of our wedding party because regardless of whether they are men or women, they are people we love.

The most important point to consider when choosing a wedding party for your ethical wedding

When considering a wedding party, there is one major principle to keep in mind: choosing a wedding party is not about having perfect symmetry in those wedding photos—it's about asking people who you love and who love you to affirm the love that you and your partner share.

Who gets groomsmen? Who gets bridesmaids?

There are no rules about choosing a wedding party. Traditionally, groomsmen were friends and family members of the groom and bridesmaids were friends and family members of the bride. Though quaint, the notion that women only have female friends and men only have male friends is naïve at best. The gender of your friends and family members should have no bearing on whether you ask them to be in your wedding party.

Do I need the same number of men as women in my wedding party?

Of course not! You should feel free to ask anyone to be in your wedding party who you and your partner consider a good friend or close family member. This goes for best men and maids of honor as well. There's no reason you shouldn't have a best woman or a man of honor.

Do I even need a wedding party?

No! Perhaps you and your partner want a low-key, no-fuss wedding. If so, there's no reason that you have to have a wedding party. Tip: Not having a wedding party may save money. Because most people have rehearsal dinners, a big wedding party can add expense to an already big bill.

What about terminology? Do I need to have a “Best Man,” a “Maid of Honor,” “Bridesmaids,” and “Groomsmen”?

Though the terms above are more traditional, they are as always unnecessary. In our wedding, Ryan and I chose to use gender neutral terms and referred to all the members of our wedding party as “Attendants.”

Words like “bridesmaid” and “groomsman” are similar to the terms “Miss/Ms./Mrs.” and “Mr.” Notice that the marital status of the woman is made explicit, but the marital status of the man remains ambiguous. This is because women used to be (and often still are) defined largely based on whether or not they were married. Men were allowed public identities aside from marriage, so there was no effort to make their marital status publicly known.

Because Ryan and I didn't think it was anyone's business whether our female attendants were maids or matrons (read single virgins or married non-virgins), we decided to go with a more neutral term.

Because you're planning an alternative wedding, you may want to consider how you'll refer to the members of the wedding party. Is the gender bias inherent in these terms important to you? If so, then you'll want to consider alternatives like “attendants,” “friends,” “companions,” etc. Or simply use the names of the people in your wedding party! There's no reason you would even need to “label” your loved ones.

Check back soon for a few more practical tips on choosing a wedding party.